…marries a man who cheated on his first wife and left his children, pretty much as soon as the divorce is through?
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What do you do when enough is enough?
People who know me at all will know that I do not have a relationship with my blood family (nearly typed ‘bloody’ instead there, that would be about right). None at all. Long story short, I will not see one of them because of many things that they did over the years. The rest believe the behaviour is excused by a subsequently diagnosed mental illness, but having spent years apart from them, I cannot – for my own health and sanity – take the risk of resuming that contact, the risk that (as is my instinct) the behaviour isn’t entirely because of an illness. I won’t see this person, they won’t accept that, so we’re at a stalemate and earlier this year, after trying to arrange some sort of limited reconciliation that clearly failed, I decided that I didn’t want to try any more.
Infidelity
Add to all this the one person in my family I was talking to has essentially cut themselves out of my life. He cheated on his wife who has been the best friend a person can have over the last few years, and as far as I could see (and we spent a lot of time with them, including going on holiday) she was a pretty forgiving wife too. I feel very strongly about this sort of thing, and I can’t bring myself to see him, particularly considering his subsequent behaviour. I certainly don’t want him to be a part of my son’s life. As far as I can tell, he has told the rest of my family that he wasn’t cheating (although we can’t prove anything, various pieces of behaviour suggest otherwise – however, he told his wife that he was with his friend when he left, then later said he had actually gone to his parents. We know this isn’t the case as David saw my father not long after he had left and he said that the cheater hadn’t been around much (obviously not in those words)). I’m guessing he’s also told them a heap of crap about what a terrible nasty wife he had (as he told her when he left her) Anyway, they apparently believe what he’s told them, and they’ve not shown any support for his wife during this time. Considering my father’s views about marriage being for life, this is pretty strange. I tried to give them some idea of the truth when I last spoke to them, but they clearly were not interested. Another amusing thing is that my family seem to think that I’ll ‘grow up’ to be like my mother (28 already and not showing any signs!). I think my other siblings are doing a far, far better job of that than me!
Unwanted Contact
Anyway, to be quite honest although I feel sad that my son will be completely missing one set of grandparents, nothing they could say or do would induce me to resume contact with them, and I just wish they would leave me alone. That means I wish they wouldn’t send Rowan presents (particularly not really annoying ones that will teach him to pronounce ‘Z’ as ‘zee’. Thanks, but we are not americans), or me cards. I really don’t know them any more, I don’t feel like they are my family. We haven’t shared anything for the last 8 years, and I’ve changed so, so much in that time. I’ve considered sending it back, but that seems to me like re-opening a dialogue, and I just do not want to do that.
Disowned
Well over a year ago I was pregnant and trying to be friendly to my sister. I met her for lunch and after some pleasant chit-chat, she basically blew up at me in a public place – shouting at me. Her parting words were that she no longer had a sister, and something about me being a fat cow. How very grown up. Perhaps its another sign that I am no longer the same person I was, but she will note that I never once raised my voice to her (Something I think I learned getting angry with customers (at a previous company) who weren’t paying on time, ever). Anyway, I was extremely angry with having been treated like that – in a place where I went regularly, and in front of a not-yet-5-year-old child. However, it made me realise that I am worlds away from them. She disowned me. She has since (funnily enough, after Rowan was born) apologised in a sort of condescending, backhanded way. However, I do wish they’d all stick to that.
“Family”?
Oh, and what would you think if a member of your family sent you a card addressed to The Goodwin “Family”. Yes the quote marks were on the card. Is this just a strange old person thing or are we not a proper family? Answers on a postcard.
Just be done with it
I just wish I knew how to make them get the message without starting it all up again. It’s done. I’m happy, I’m more fulfilled than I ever thought I could be, and I’ve realised that good, trustworthy, reliable friends are so, so much more important than people you happen to be related to. Of course I’m going to do my very best to make sure I am the sort of Mother that nurtures my children instead of manipulating and using them, and with David around, even if I were the sort of person that would do that, Rowan would be safe. Safe with his loving, caring, ever-present father.
A more positive note
But to the people who will be around me this Xmas, and who I’ve seen recently, and will catch up with in the new year, I want to thank you for all the support and encouragement I’ve received this year. I love being a Mummy, and many of you clearly love Rowan so much. He’s a very lucky little boy, and I’m very lucky to receive so much from people who owe me nothing. Thank you and have a very Merry Xmas.
Waiting to Wean
I was one of the few people I know who held out until anywhere near 26 weeks to wean. (We started a little at 23 weeks, but I don’t think much went in!) If I had not read mumsnet I’m sure I wouldn’t have waited.
Everyone seems to be convinced that its absolutely fine to wean from 4 months – because its what they did with their first baby, because its what their health visitor told them, because the guidelines used to say “4-6 months” (“so it must be fine from 4 months, they’re always changing those guidelines”). Add to this the worry about making people who did wean at 4 months feel guilty, because they genuinely believed the advice that their trusted family member or health professional told them (and really, why shouldn’t they – they have to trust someone). Add to this the fact that books such as the Baby Whisperer advocate weaning at 4 months in certain circumstances (not medical conditions) and you’ve got a society that is not going to change their practises.
I’m going to put a very short disclaimer here about medical reasons to wean early. If you’ve been told by a GP, paediatrician etc to wean early for conditions such as reflux, I’m not going to comment. You need to rely on your health professional (if you’ve been told you need to wean because you have a “hungry” or “big” baby, please get a second opinion)
When to Wean?
Traditionally, people have been told to wean when their baby wakes more often for milk (that would be the 4 month growth spurt), and when they are showing more interest in your food (just at the time when they’re showing more interest in everything, coincidentally)
The real signs of readiness for weaning are:
– being able to sit with minimal aid (e.g. hold themselves up straight in high chair to support chewing (chomping/gumming initially)/swallowing of food
– ability to put food in their mouth (often grabbing from a plate!)
– loss of tongue thrust reflex (they don’t push food out of their mouths automatically)
Whether you are puree feeding, or following Baby Led Weaning, the same signs of readiness apply. Rowan showed these at 23 weeks, so he was given food.
Why not wean earlier?
Some time between 17 and 26 weeks, the lining in your baby’s gut seals, making it able to properly digest solid foods. If you feed your baby solids before 26 weeks – or before they are showing the signs given, that are generally believed to happen at the same time as gut maturity, you are risking issues with digestive conditions and allergies later in life. I’m not a doctor or a scientist. I can’t explain how these things work, but you can read a bit more about why to wait here. Kellymom is a highly respected site for breastfeeding resources where articles are supported by medical and other references. Please note that even though that list is very breastfeeding focussed, the non-breastfeeding-related reasons are still very important and valid.
So basically, if you wean before 17 weeks, your baby’s gut will not be ready to digest the food you’re giving it. If you wean sometime before 26 weeks, you’re taking a risk (as I did) that it might not be ready.
If you do decide to wean before 26 weeks, you’re weighing up risks against benefits. Whatever you may be getting out of weaning early (apart from a hell of a lot of extra work, especially if you’re pureeing a la Annabel Karmel and her weird and wonderful recipe book) has to be balanced against the problems that you child may experience later in life. Often the response on mumsnet to people saying “well I weaned mine at X weeks and they were fine” (as an argument to convince someone else to do the same) is to say that you never know what health problems your child will have until they’ve got to the end of their lives!
If people have weaned early (between 17-26 weeks), then there’s nothing to feel guilty about – you were following the advice you had been given, and you never know what will influence your child’s health in the future. Once it has passed, its just another of those parental decisions that you took in good faith – you just keep on doing the best for your child, like we all do.
Of course, if you’re trying to shovel baby rice into a tiny (maybe 12 week old) baby because you think it will help the poor thing sleep better, I am going to stick my neck out here and say that unless you are truly ignorant of the weaning guidelines, I have neither respect nor sympathy for you.
BabySlingHire Site Launched
Just a quick note to say that Baby Sling Hire is finally ready for business.
Thanks to Caz for the lovely design work.
If you want to buy a sling or try one out, please take a look and get in touch!
All I want for Xmas….
is (just a few ideas here)
– Terry Pratchett Audio books (Discworld – ankh morpork ones are best but I already have “guards, guards”, “thud” and “men at arms”)
– Nation (new terry pratchett title)
– monsoon vouchers
– a sparkly pretty ring with lots of precious stones (yeah, fat chance)
– pretty wine glasses
– a decent griddle pan (see nice debenhams pans I already have – David would know)
– some really good baking trays (See above perhaps)
Just a few ideas, as I know I can be hard to buy for. Now you can ignore this and buy me something I didn’t know I wanted!
I can’t save the world!
This is just a short note to remind myself that there’s no use getting worked up about the things I think are important. I don’t even manage to live up to my own convictions, so I don’t know why I sometimes expect other people to. I am nowhere near as energy conscious as I know I should be, I sometimes put the heating on when I should go and get a jumper and put up with the cold hands. But I don’t, and other people make compromises about things I think are important too, so unless I’m going to be 100% perfect I should try to cut strange people I’ve never met some slack instead.
This hasn’t been prompted by anything in particular at the moment, just a growing general realisation that I let myself feel involved in things that I can’t, and perhaps shouldn’t do anything about. I should keep my indignation general, and not personal. I should try to find constructive ways to gently get my point across, instead of ranting at David/Jenny/whoever will listen. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Sleep, naps, crawling, standing, cruising.
Lately, Rowan’s night sleep has really improved. He’s been averaging 2 night feeds for quite a while, so after considering night weaning him, I decided to instead make use of an idea from Dr Jay Gordon and give myself a period of time at night where I can get a decent run of sleep, and Rowan doesn’t have milk. We decided to make this easier with a 10pm ‘dream feed’ (although he does wake a little most nights he just goes straight back to sleep). He then gets nothing but Daddy (except in case of illness) until 4am, when he can have me again and some more milk. This means that I’ve been regularly getting runs of 5 or 6 hours of sleep (I’m still waking earlier sometimes but it seems to be improving), which makes a huge difference to me.
Another improvement is in his settling. He goes down at bedtime awake more often (and even sometimes during the night – at 4am or whatever) and settles himself. Sometimes there’s a minute or two of crying, but its pretty half hearted. Tonight, due to some strangely timed naps, he wasn’t ready for bed at his normal 6pm (he was eating dinner then) and had a later bath. After his feed, some books and some Daddy time, he still wasn’t settling, so David put him in his cot, put his mobile on and left him. The crying stopped well before the mobile, and over the monitor over the next 15 minutes we heard a bit of burbling and some other happy noises, and an hour later he’s still quiet so most likely asleep! This self settling (and particularly the happy burbling) bodes well for the future!
Nap wise, we’ve managed to drop the very annoying habit of not sleeping without my nipple in his mouth (I’ve managed to unlatch / put him down gently much more lately). However, he doesn’t seem to want to nap until 11am/lunchtime, which is making a second nap late and/or difficult. Late nap means we don’t know when he’ll be tired, and no nap means a stupidly early bed. I try not to worry about it, but nap times can mess up meal times, and an overtired baby is really hard work.
Physically, Rowan’s coming on in leaps and bounds. He was crawling properly by around 8 months, and since then he’s not really stopped. A couple of weeks later he was standing, then cruising, and last week he learnt to sit from standing! This last was a huge relief as he was standing for ages, then screaming as he couldn’t get down! We’re some way off walking, but the cruising is going well, and you can see from the way he stands that he’s getting stronger, so my guess is that he’ll be really mobile by Xmas or thereabouts.
This weekend Rowan’s going to Gregynog to interview some students, or perhaps sabotage their bamboo catapaults. Sleep will be, in my estimation, limited!
Why am I not using formula?
Of the 7 babies from our ante-natal group, Rowan is the only one who has not had (and never will have) any formula. I am expressing (as little as possible) to cover my days at work (8.30-3.30ish twice a week) although Rowan will actually go most days with very little milk, I like to send some in case he wants it. Now we’re starting what we hope will be the process of night weaning. We’re starting by David settling Rowan without a feed, or offering him a bottle of expressed breast milk (EBM) during certain hours of the night. This will help us work out whether Rowan is genuinely hungry (in which case he’ll take the bottle) or, as seems to be the case so far, if he can be settled without the milk.
A friend asked me why I was expressing rather than using formula. Pretty much all of Rowans baby friends now get formula during the night so that feeds can be shared, and mums can go back to work, as I am. My answer was “Why would I?” Why would I give my son the scientifically modified milk of another mammal when for the sake of a few minutes pumping, he can get the milk that is made specifically for him? Why would I spend money and have to boil and cool the formula in the middle of the night when David can just pluck a bottle out of the fridge and run it under the hot tap for a bit?
This is not meant to be a criticism of those who decide to give formula. Many people understand the risks of formula feeding and understand how to prepare their bottles properly (and I think some of those risks will be reduced once the gut is closed – the babies are all on solids anyway). If they’ve made an educated choice I have no issue with it. But I’m taking the route that is closer to what is natural than any other (and if I weren’t working I wouldn’t feel the need to be sleep training him any more than we already have because its only when I try to use my brain that I notice just how tired I am – so I wouldn’t need anyone else to give Rowan milk)
It just seems sad to me that use of formula is so commonplace and accepted, that even people who breastfed successfully for their baby’s first few months, without using formula, start to use it at a time when their babies are naturally starting to reduce how much milk they’re drinking! And sad that I’m the odd one out. Its not an issue of poor support for breastfeeding at this stage, its just the acceptance in our society of what is technically an inferior food for our babies – as a convenience.
And if you know I’m talking about you – either because I really am, or because I could be describing you, I’m not judging you, I’m just finding the whole thing strange. Particularly the fact that I feel the need to point out I’m not judging!
And Goodbye!
We’re sorry to say that we felt we had to take Meg back to the dogs home yesterday. We were dealing with the weeing and pooing all over the kitchen floor, and the destructive chewing, but when she decided to bite the trousers of a friend of mine, we knew we couldn’t risk having her around Rowan – despite her previous good behaviour in that regard.
So, back she went. This wasn’t as hard as it could have been as we hadn’t really bonded with her yet, but we do feel sorry for her to have had a glimpse of a home then having to go back, but then it wouldn’t have been kind to keep her and feel like we had to shut her away from Rowan or new people all the time.
The internet replaces communities
I’m a pretty active member of several online communities – mostly related to mothering, but other technical ones too. Many of my friends come from these (although those I class as friends I don’t only know online) and a lot of support for parenting and technical issues comes from these places.
One on of these sites we’ve recently been having a discussion about how its a shame that new mothers have to come to strangers on a website to ask for advice and reassurance about perfectly normal (if tiring) newborn behaviour. Its not the fact that they’re asking – we all happily give the needed advice and reassurance – its that they (we, really) have to wait until we have babies to experience them.
To quote my post:
“Before I had my son, I was good friends with 2 mothers. Most of my friends haven’t had kids, I don’t have that sort of relationship with my mother in law and haven’t spoken to my mother in 7 years. I’m one of these people that wants to know everything, so when I’d read loads of stuff on pregnancy and birth (and I agree pg women are really hung up on birth – its scary!) I started reading baby books. My tiny pool of motherly support was from two different extremes. My sister-in0law had had 2 fairly textbook babies (although I did hear about things like mastitis and colic from her, so was prepared for those as much as I could be) and my friend had a horrendous pregnancy, a difficult Caesarian (scar still infected nearly a year later) and various other medical problems that have made her life really difficult – so I didn’t feel she was representative.
The support from society – parents, extended family, friends, neighbours – that once would have helped to support us mothers through this is pretty much gone. The mothers that didn’t breast feed, and were “taught” to parent in a particular way don’t have the knowledge (I remember SIL’s mum telling me she got told off by MW for BF more often than 4 hourly and during the night) and so can’t offer support to their own children. In most cases our parents / relatives don’t have so many children that we helped bring the younger siblings/cousins/nieces/nephews up, so we’re completely unexperienced with babies!
And nothing has really appeared to replace this. We can’t trust our midwives and health visitors, so we’re stuck with mumsnet. It’s the only place we can express our (possibly irrational) fears and ask our silly questions, knowing we’ll get an honest answer. Its a real shame it’s all we’ve got, but thank god we do (and have people to answer then). I just wish we had a society where we didn’t get to child bearing age with no experience of kids, and where help from relatives was actually help rather than judging under the guise of helpfulness!
Oh I hope I remember this when I am a MIL!”
I guess that says it with regard to babies, but I think the same goes for so much more. We don’t live as a community any more – and I can’t see society ever becoming like that again – so we’ve lost so much shared knowledge and experience, its worse than a shame. I’m lucky to have had the help I have from David, and from Jenny and her family. Add to that my antenatal group who have been there every week for us to compare notes, and support groups like the baby bistro (which I am now able to help people at, even in an unofficial capacity until they get more funding for training)
Hopefully by getting my nieces involved with Rowan I’m ensuring that they won’t grow up like that – they’re going to be older than all their cousins, and hopefully heavily involved with them all, so maybe they’ll do better than me – and not be shocked by some of the hard parts of being a mum!