…marries a man who cheated on his first wife and left his children, pretty much as soon as the divorce is through?
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What do you do when enough is enough?
People who know me at all will know that I do not have a relationship with my blood family (nearly typed ‘bloody’ instead there, that would be about right). None at all. Long story short, I will not see one of them because of many things that they did over the years. The rest believe the behaviour is excused by a subsequently diagnosed mental illness, but having spent years apart from them, I cannot – for my own health and sanity – take the risk of resuming that contact, the risk that (as is my instinct) the behaviour isn’t entirely because of an illness. I won’t see this person, they won’t accept that, so we’re at a stalemate and earlier this year, after trying to arrange some sort of limited reconciliation that clearly failed, I decided that I didn’t want to try any more.
Infidelity
Add to all this the one person in my family I was talking to has essentially cut themselves out of my life. He cheated on his wife who has been the best friend a person can have over the last few years, and as far as I could see (and we spent a lot of time with them, including going on holiday) she was a pretty forgiving wife too. I feel very strongly about this sort of thing, and I can’t bring myself to see him, particularly considering his subsequent behaviour. I certainly don’t want him to be a part of my son’s life. As far as I can tell, he has told the rest of my family that he wasn’t cheating (although we can’t prove anything, various pieces of behaviour suggest otherwise – however, he told his wife that he was with his friend when he left, then later said he had actually gone to his parents. We know this isn’t the case as David saw my father not long after he had left and he said that the cheater hadn’t been around much (obviously not in those words)). I’m guessing he’s also told them a heap of crap about what a terrible nasty wife he had (as he told her when he left her) Anyway, they apparently believe what he’s told them, and they’ve not shown any support for his wife during this time. Considering my father’s views about marriage being for life, this is pretty strange. I tried to give them some idea of the truth when I last spoke to them, but they clearly were not interested. Another amusing thing is that my family seem to think that I’ll ‘grow up’ to be like my mother (28 already and not showing any signs!). I think my other siblings are doing a far, far better job of that than me!
Unwanted Contact
Anyway, to be quite honest although I feel sad that my son will be completely missing one set of grandparents, nothing they could say or do would induce me to resume contact with them, and I just wish they would leave me alone. That means I wish they wouldn’t send Rowan presents (particularly not really annoying ones that will teach him to pronounce ‘Z’ as ‘zee’. Thanks, but we are not americans), or me cards. I really don’t know them any more, I don’t feel like they are my family. We haven’t shared anything for the last 8 years, and I’ve changed so, so much in that time. I’ve considered sending it back, but that seems to me like re-opening a dialogue, and I just do not want to do that.
Disowned
Well over a year ago I was pregnant and trying to be friendly to my sister. I met her for lunch and after some pleasant chit-chat, she basically blew up at me in a public place – shouting at me. Her parting words were that she no longer had a sister, and something about me being a fat cow. How very grown up. Perhaps its another sign that I am no longer the same person I was, but she will note that I never once raised my voice to her (Something I think I learned getting angry with customers (at a previous company) who weren’t paying on time, ever). Anyway, I was extremely angry with having been treated like that – in a place where I went regularly, and in front of a not-yet-5-year-old child. However, it made me realise that I am worlds away from them. She disowned me. She has since (funnily enough, after Rowan was born) apologised in a sort of condescending, backhanded way. However, I do wish they’d all stick to that.
“Family”?
Oh, and what would you think if a member of your family sent you a card addressed to The Goodwin “Family”. Yes the quote marks were on the card. Is this just a strange old person thing or are we not a proper family? Answers on a postcard.
Just be done with it
I just wish I knew how to make them get the message without starting it all up again. It’s done. I’m happy, I’m more fulfilled than I ever thought I could be, and I’ve realised that good, trustworthy, reliable friends are so, so much more important than people you happen to be related to. Of course I’m going to do my very best to make sure I am the sort of Mother that nurtures my children instead of manipulating and using them, and with David around, even if I were the sort of person that would do that, Rowan would be safe. Safe with his loving, caring, ever-present father.
A more positive note
But to the people who will be around me this Xmas, and who I’ve seen recently, and will catch up with in the new year, I want to thank you for all the support and encouragement I’ve received this year. I love being a Mummy, and many of you clearly love Rowan so much. He’s a very lucky little boy, and I’m very lucky to receive so much from people who owe me nothing. Thank you and have a very Merry Xmas.
Waiting to Wean
I was one of the few people I know who held out until anywhere near 26 weeks to wean. (We started a little at 23 weeks, but I don’t think much went in!) If I had not read mumsnet I’m sure I wouldn’t have waited.
Everyone seems to be convinced that its absolutely fine to wean from 4 months – because its what they did with their first baby, because its what their health visitor told them, because the guidelines used to say “4-6 months” (“so it must be fine from 4 months, they’re always changing those guidelines”). Add to this the worry about making people who did wean at 4 months feel guilty, because they genuinely believed the advice that their trusted family member or health professional told them (and really, why shouldn’t they – they have to trust someone). Add to this the fact that books such as the Baby Whisperer advocate weaning at 4 months in certain circumstances (not medical conditions) and you’ve got a society that is not going to change their practises.
I’m going to put a very short disclaimer here about medical reasons to wean early. If you’ve been told by a GP, paediatrician etc to wean early for conditions such as reflux, I’m not going to comment. You need to rely on your health professional (if you’ve been told you need to wean because you have a “hungry” or “big” baby, please get a second opinion)
When to Wean?
Traditionally, people have been told to wean when their baby wakes more often for milk (that would be the 4 month growth spurt), and when they are showing more interest in your food (just at the time when they’re showing more interest in everything, coincidentally)
The real signs of readiness for weaning are:
– being able to sit with minimal aid (e.g. hold themselves up straight in high chair to support chewing (chomping/gumming initially)/swallowing of food
– ability to put food in their mouth (often grabbing from a plate!)
– loss of tongue thrust reflex (they don’t push food out of their mouths automatically)
Whether you are puree feeding, or following Baby Led Weaning, the same signs of readiness apply. Rowan showed these at 23 weeks, so he was given food.
Why not wean earlier?
Some time between 17 and 26 weeks, the lining in your baby’s gut seals, making it able to properly digest solid foods. If you feed your baby solids before 26 weeks – or before they are showing the signs given, that are generally believed to happen at the same time as gut maturity, you are risking issues with digestive conditions and allergies later in life. I’m not a doctor or a scientist. I can’t explain how these things work, but you can read a bit more about why to wait here. Kellymom is a highly respected site for breastfeeding resources where articles are supported by medical and other references. Please note that even though that list is very breastfeeding focussed, the non-breastfeeding-related reasons are still very important and valid.
So basically, if you wean before 17 weeks, your baby’s gut will not be ready to digest the food you’re giving it. If you wean sometime before 26 weeks, you’re taking a risk (as I did) that it might not be ready.
If you do decide to wean before 26 weeks, you’re weighing up risks against benefits. Whatever you may be getting out of weaning early (apart from a hell of a lot of extra work, especially if you’re pureeing a la Annabel Karmel and her weird and wonderful recipe book) has to be balanced against the problems that you child may experience later in life. Often the response on mumsnet to people saying “well I weaned mine at X weeks and they were fine” (as an argument to convince someone else to do the same) is to say that you never know what health problems your child will have until they’ve got to the end of their lives!
If people have weaned early (between 17-26 weeks), then there’s nothing to feel guilty about – you were following the advice you had been given, and you never know what will influence your child’s health in the future. Once it has passed, its just another of those parental decisions that you took in good faith – you just keep on doing the best for your child, like we all do.
Of course, if you’re trying to shovel baby rice into a tiny (maybe 12 week old) baby because you think it will help the poor thing sleep better, I am going to stick my neck out here and say that unless you are truly ignorant of the weaning guidelines, I have neither respect nor sympathy for you.
BabySlingHire Site Launched
Just a quick note to say that Baby Sling Hire is finally ready for business.
Thanks to Caz for the lovely design work.
If you want to buy a sling or try one out, please take a look and get in touch!