I think that everyone, whatever the circumstances, will experience low self-esteem during a relationship breakdown. It is hard not to question and blame yourself during the endless what, why, when, how, where sessions, but I think it is rare that these things are actually down to one partner alone and part of moving on is to deal with these emotions, address what really was your fault and somehow let the rest go.
Since my separation I have been on a bit of a quest to look at myself honestly and decide how I want to live my life from now on. I’ve been looking at criticisms that have come from others and from inside me and starting to think about how to deal with them, and what I need to address during my upcoming counselling sessions. I’ve also been looking at specific behaviours and trying to control them, with some success so far. This is important to me. Moving on in my life I want to be the best person I can, while forgiving myself when I don’t quite manage to live up to my own, often harsh, standards.
To this end I have various things I want to tackle over the coming months. The one that I feel is most affecting my day-to-day life, and those around me, is anger. When I’m tired and feeling pulled in what feels like 10 different directions by the demands of life as a single mother to 2 under 3s, and I’m faced with what is possibly the most frustrating creature on the planet (well if you don’t count husbands) – the toddler who likes to say ‘no’ – sometimes I crack. All too often I shout in frustration and I see my behaviours mirrored in my precious little boy. That’s really really not how I want to bring up my children, so I need to work on two things.
The first is how I express my anger. When I control it and keep my voice low and reasonable, Rowan generally responds better. If I shout, he shouts back and often hits. I’m clearly having an effect on him and this really makes me feel bad about myself. Of course it is frustrating for me that I’m trying to change Anya’s nappy or keep the house tidy, get the dinner cooked and the clothes washed and dried and he won’t do what I think I need him to do right now! But then of course he gets frustrated that his crazy mummy keeps asking him to do things when Thomas is in the middle of rescuing diesel!
So the second thing is setting priorities. Some things I need to insist on, and genuinely do need doing NOW, but really what does it matter if he puts his pants on now or when he’s finished playing?
Of course these things are hard to remember when you’re already wound up, but I will keep trying and keep forgiving myself when I don’t get things right, so long as I’m still trying.
Continue reading Building self-esteem
