Some days I get frustrated at my life. I’ve had a handful of hours ‘to myself’, without being responsible for either of my children, since Anya was born. And I think I spent pretty much all of them doing housework! Sometimes that feels utterly unfair. I wonder why I can’t be out there having some fun, taking some personal time, getting some exercise. I wonder why I can’t relax and not be thinking of all the things that are still to be done in the endless round of washing and cleaning and cooking and bottom wiping that is my life.
But then of course I look at my sleeping children. At my beautiful son who keeps coming back for kisses, who apologises when he’s calmed down, who brings flowers for his friends. At my not-so-tiny daughter, those baby days slipping away so fast. Remembering the precious smiles, the giggles and the joy of snuggling up all together.
Rowan is an amazingly well adjusted little boy considering recent events, and has a whole host of people he loves and trusts but for Anya I am still her whole world. The little sleeping body beside me is reliant on me for it’s every need, and I do my best to fill them. She repays it with the love and trust I know she has for me. So even though I rail at life sometimes, while my children need me I will be there. They’ll grow up so quickly that it won’t be long before I’m wondering what to do with all the time to myself.
When I’m angry and tired and just plain fed up, I have to remember that it’s not about other people. My children need someone so I will be there for them. We will muddle through life together and I hope they remember that I was always there and that they were my first priority. I am lucky to have them and it is that thought I need to hold on to when things are hard. There will be be time for the rest when they don’t need me so much.
But if someone wants to come and clean my house so I can paint my nails and get a haircut, that would be ok too 