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Life is tough

  • Posted on February 5, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Right now, I’m struggling. Life is a long round of cooking, cleaning and poo. I’m so fed up of all the poo. I manage to keep on top of the day to day housework but some days its a nightmare and between a toddler that wants me to play trains all day, a baby that won’t let me leave the room and a house that needs looking after, I’m run off my feet. Add in all the decluttering I’m trying to do so I can stop playing catchup cleaning a house where there isn’t a place for everything and I don’t know how to fit it all in. Then I’m trying to sort out stupid benefits and do my childminding course and prepare for that. Basically I’m chasing my own tail and its driving me up the wall, to the extent where, this afternoon, I’ve had a huge shout at Rowan and burst into tears :( Poor boy should not have to deal with my problems. Problem is that I don’t seem to be able to at times.

If anyone wants to take my children away for a day so I can blitz the house and then collapse, I would be extremely grateful. I’ve asked for help but I need more. I need a real break, a proper break. I need to not have to drop my 2 hours at the gym in order to try to clean the house. I can’t do it all right now and I will NOT put this on my children. I can’t do that to them when I know how it feels to bear the brunt of your Mother’s problems. I need to get on top of the house, my paperwork and some relaxation time. I need it to be the Mummy I can be. If I don’t get the help I’ll soldier on – I have to – but it is really really hard.

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Looking back on 2010

  • Posted on December 28, 2010 at 9:49 pm

2010 has to have been the most eventful of my life. It’s challenging enough having a second child, particularly when the older isn’t yet 3, but when you spend your early pregnancy fighting for your marriage (and often just fighting), your late pregnancy dealing with the realities of living

I’m not going to talk about the how and why of the breakdown of my marriage. I wanted to fight for it, David didn’t. It is certainly the right thing for us to be apart now, and we are learning to parent together, but much of this last year has been hard. I had never really been on my own and I didn’t know I had the strength to do it, especially with 2 little ones, but I found it and I AM coping. I’m not alone, David is still there to help with a lot of it and I have some amazing friends, but now I am the one ultimately responsible for my kids.

I have come through so much, but now I am doing ok. Not perfect, not always good enough, but I am truly muddling through and I know what I have to work on, and that is what the next year is going to be about, and I have big plans for it!

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Unconditional love

  • Posted on November 13, 2010 at 10:52 pm

Some days I get frustrated at my life. I’ve had a handful of hours ‘to myself’, without being responsible for either of my children, since Anya was born. And I think I spent pretty much all of them doing housework! Sometimes that feels utterly unfair. I wonder why I can’t be out there having some fun, taking some personal time, getting some exercise. I wonder why I can’t relax and not be thinking of all the things that are still to be done in the endless round of washing and cleaning and cooking and bottom wiping that is my life.

But then of course I look at my sleeping children. At my beautiful son who keeps coming back for kisses, who apologises when he’s calmed down, who brings flowers for his friends. At my not-so-tiny daughter, those baby days slipping away so fast. Remembering the precious smiles, the giggles and the joy of snuggling up all together.

Rowan is an amazingly well adjusted little boy considering recent events, and has a whole host of people he loves and trusts but for Anya I am still her whole world. The little sleeping body beside me is reliant on me for it’s every need, and I do my best to fill them. She repays it with the love and trust I know she has for me. So even though I rail at life sometimes, while my children need me I will be there. They’ll grow up so quickly that it won’t be long before I’m wondering what to do with all the time to myself.

When I’m angry and tired and just plain fed up, I have to remember that it’s not about other people. My children need someone so I will be there for them. We will muddle through life together and I hope they remember that I was always there and that they were my first priority. I am lucky to have them and it is that thought I need to hold on to when things are hard. There will be be time for the rest when they don’t need me so much.

But if someone wants to come and clean my house so I can paint my nails and get a haircut, that would be ok too :-)

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Considering the future

  • Posted on November 3, 2010 at 10:37 pm

Obviously things have changed a lot for me these last few months, and I’m now looking towards a future where I have to earn some money, or be on benefits. Clearly, aside from any considerations of what I might want, the current political climate is not one where you want to have to rely on the state!

I don’t want Anya to have to go to nursery until she is older if I can do anything to prevent it, and I don’t want Rowan to have to go for long periods, so I need to be able to work at home, either with them around me or while they are asleep in the evenings and in the long term, both with their Dad. The best solution I can find at the moment is child minding. I know it will be hard work and a lot of effort to get registered, but it ticks all the boxes.

However, a recent conversation with a friend has got me thinking. I still feel childminding is probably my best option, but I also think I need to explore other options and think about things I could do from home. I don’t think I’d like selling either by phone or doing those parties – and the whole driving thi g is somewhat restrictive there too, but there must be other options. I thought about rubbish jobs I have done in the past and wondered if it’s possible to do things like audio typing from home. I’m sure the pay wouldn’t be great but it is a pretty easy job as I remember.

Anyone else have any ideas? I don’t think my programming is up to scratch these days but I could probably do technical writing – docs and specs and things – if required.

Help me please!!

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Considering the future

  • Posted on at 10:37 pm

Obviously things have changed a lot for me these last few months, and I’m now looking towards a future where I have to earn some money, or be on benefits. Clearly, aside from any considerations of what I might want, the current political climate is not one where you want to have to rely on the state!

I don’t want Anya to have to go to nursery until she is older if I can do anything to prevent it, and I don’t want Rowan to have to go for long periods, so I need to be able to work at home, either with them around me or while they are asleep in the evenings and in the long term, both with their Dad. The best solution I can find at the moment is child minding. I know it will be hard work and a lot of effort to get registered, but it ticks all the boxes.

However, a recent conversation with a friend has got me thinking. I still feel childminding is probably my best option, but I also think I need to explore other options and think about things I could do from home. I don’t think I’d like selling either by phone or doing those parties – and the whole driving thing is somewhat restrictive there too, but there must be other options. I thought about rubbish jobs I have done in the past and wondered if it’s possible to do things like audio typing from home. I’m sure the pay wouldn’t be great but it is a pretty easy job as I remember.

Anyone else have any ideas? I don’t think my programming is up to scratch these days but I could probably do technical writing – docs and specs and things – if required.

Help me please!!

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My promise to you, my children

  • Posted on October 27, 2010 at 7:09 pm

As I watch you sleep, my beautiful, amazing reasons for living, I want to protect you from everything life might throw at you. But I can’t do that. I can just make the best of what we have.

I swear never to make you bear the burdens of my problems. I will try my best to protect you from them, not entangle you in them.

I promise never to make you feel worthless. If I speak to you in anger I will do my best to take back any harsh words and repair any hurt feelings.

I will always be there for you, hoping you will understand that your needs will come first, but sometimes your wants have to come second to my needs.

I will never be afraid to take back a bad decision and will try to be strong enough to listen when you disagree with me. I want you to feel your opinions are valued even when they are not followed.

As important as you are to me I will not life my life solely through you. I will try to step back and let you control your own lives as you grow, knowing that I am always around if I am needed.

Above all I will love you, with everything I am and everything I will ever be. My beautiful, precious babies.

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Building self-esteem

  • Posted on October 11, 2010 at 9:16 pm

I think that everyone, whatever the circumstances, will experience low self-esteem during a relationship breakdown. It is hard not to question and blame yourself during the endless what, why, when, how, where sessions, but I think it is rare that these things are actually down to one partner alone and part of moving on is to deal with these emotions, address what really was your fault and somehow let the rest go.

Since my separation I have been on a bit of a quest to look at myself honestly and decide how I want to live my life from now on. I’ve been looking at criticisms that have come from others and from inside me and starting to think about how to deal with them, and what I need to address during my upcoming counselling sessions. I’ve also been looking at specific behaviours and trying to control them, with some success so far. This is important to me. Moving on in my life I want to be the best person I can, while forgiving myself when I don’t quite manage to live up to my own, often harsh, standards.

To this end I have various things I want to tackle over the coming months. The one that I feel is most affecting my day-to-day life, and those around me, is anger. When I’m tired and feeling pulled in what feels like 10 different directions by the demands of life as a single mother to 2 under 3s, and I’m faced with what is possibly the most frustrating creature on the planet (well if you don’t count husbands) – the toddler who likes to say ‘no’ – sometimes I crack. All too often I shout in frustration and I see my behaviours mirrored in my precious little boy. That’s really really not how I want to bring up my children, so I need to work on two things.

The first is how I express my anger. When I control it and keep my voice low and reasonable, Rowan generally responds better. If I shout, he shouts back and often hits. I’m clearly having an effect on him and this really makes me feel bad about myself. Of course it is frustrating for me that I’m trying to change Anya’s nappy or keep the house tidy, get the dinner cooked and the clothes washed and dried and he won’t do what I think I need him to do right now! But then of course he gets frustrated that his crazy mummy keeps asking him to do things when Thomas is in the middle of rescuing diesel!

So the second thing is setting priorities. Some things I need to insist on, and genuinely do need doing NOW, but really what does it matter if he puts his pants on now or when he’s finished playing?

Of course these things are hard to remember when you’re already wound up, but I will keep trying and keep forgiving myself when I don’t get things right, so long as I’m still trying.

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