This weekend I let go of the hope that David and I could remain friendly (rather than just civil) but the break has brought back some of the things I felt when we’d first split. When we were having problems, I asked him to tell me what was wrong – something he resisted, insisting everything was fine until one night, in the early hours, I received an email setting out point by point exactly why and how much he had come to hate me. I thought that those feelings had been tempered with time, distance and perspective, but perhaps not. He said something yesterday that made me feel that he has not found that perspective, and made make realise that my trying to pursue a friendly form of co-parenting is not a good thing for me.

I’ve been reminded just how seriously his criticism affected me, and how someone else’s opinions can embed themselves in your brain, taking up residence as if they were your own. It’s hard to realise there’s one more voice making up the chorus in my head, telling me I’m fat, I’m lazy, I’m judgemental and unforgiving, and a few other things that are too personal to publish. The thing is, I am these things at times. I have failings. I have (plenty of!) problems. The thing I have to try to remember is that I am not my failings. The negative aspects of my personality are not all there is too me.

Of course I suspect I am one of the detractors in his brain, still. I said my fair share of mean things in the 12 years we were together. The difference as far as I am concerned is that I don’t think that fixing his faults is easy. One thing that is very much still in residence in my brain and that I wish I could get an answer to is the idea that my faults made me a bad person, whereas his were something he could do nothing about. Because being fat – surely I should have had more concern for my health and my future and done something about it? But his inability to express his emotions, or deal with strong emotions from other people? Well that was something he just couldn’t change.

I wish I could make him see that they’re both just the results of the way we’ve been damaged. I can and will change my negative behaviours to some extent, but it just won’t stick until I’ve sorted out some things that are much deeper rooted than just having a bit of willpower. If it was that easy, surely he could have applied some of his superior willpower to his problems? I feel sad he will never listen to me, that I will never know if he understands that his judging of me still affects me. I also feel sad that he will never hear me acknowledge how my criticisms were unfair – how I now understand that my anger and my actions didn’t help either of us. But I can’t open up to him again, I have to keep myself safe.

Most of the time all of this is safely housed in the (probably bulging to overflowing) bit of my brain where I shove the difficult feelings, but sometimes something happens to let a few of them escape and I have a struggle to get them back under control. Recently I seem to be getting better at turning the negative emotions outwards in a positive way, or at least I am better at acknowledging them and discussing them rather than hiding them and letting them rule me.

These days my brain also holds a small but important chorus of supporters. They tell me I am worth something, and that although these should never be excuses, there are real reasons for my problems. But overall I am a good person. I am an amazing person. I can be warm and generous and so very loving. I am loyal and have a strong sense of morality. When I am well I can be motivated and enthusiastic and even when I’m not so well I’ve always been able to keep plodding on, doing what needs to be done. I am good and I am not defined by other people’s opinions of me. Trouble is, my head doesn’t always remember that. And we come back to wondering how I’m going to get the counselling I need to address all this.

In the meantime I shall just expose myself to the world as an outlet for all these feelings. I feel better for it right now.

No list of resolutions this year – I basically just have a todo list, and my resolution is to keep on getting up and taking a bite out of my list every day. Face the world head on and eventually I’ll get through it all. It might take more than a year but it is progress I’m focusing on this year, not results. Keep on trying.

I will say that nobody is perfect, that not everything they did was bad, and all that, that my mother has an actual illness blah blah blah BUT they are still responsible for their actions, and those actions had some very serious consequences for me. This blog is starting to provide a bit of therapy for me but clearly its not the right place to be airing all the details. I need counselling for that. Expensive counselling. Bugger.

One of the things that makes me angry is that my family seem to honestly believe that I am in the wrong for not forgiving my mother for all of her toxic behaviour over the years. She’s mentally ill, I should put it behind me. But it doesn’t erase the look of disgust on my mother’s face as she told me “god you look ugly when you cry” and “It’s no wonder you can’t get a boyfriend when you’re so fat”. At 16. Perhaps she was right, perhaps her actions were driven by her illness, but she still said those words and they still had an effect on an emotionally vulnerable teenager. It doesn’t change the fact that my father sat back and watched or ignored her destructive behaviour. And that was one tiny tiny part of what went on. I am still scarred by these things, they hurt me and they changed me and my parents were the adults. They were the ones that should have protected me, not hurt me. But I have never heard any regret or apology. Its always about blame. I’m the judgemental one, I’m the unforgiving one, I’m the mentally unstable one. One day I’d like to hear not excuses but acceptance. I think counselling is going to have to help me deal with the fact that I’ll never get understanding and apology from them. I can dream, but I think it would be better for me to let go. And I hope that if they can never accept their fault or apologise that my family just stay away, because I’ve got enough to deal with on my own.

It’s different with my marriage. We are both adults and we are equally responsible for what we did to each other. I’d like one day to acknowledge what I did wrong and apologise, but he’s not ready to hear that yet – he just wants to pretend our relationship never existed, but it did, and we were happy once, even if those people are long gone.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is about saying sorry. I’d like to hear it one day. I’d like to say it to some people. I’d like to say that I’m sorry I expected a whole load of people out there to fix my problems. Preferably after I’ve managed to afford a whole load of counselling.

Strangely at the moment though I’m feeling quite positive. I’m not sure how much sense this rant would make to other people but it makes sense to me and helps to solidify some of the things that like to race round my head. Another baby step in my long long journey to health.

But in many ways I am not content. Part of me is always looking for something more. Anything. Whether it is food or buying something I am always looking for some way to reward myself, and it has negative consequences on my bank balance and my weight. I know in my heart that my deeply buried issues, stemming from my childhood and festering through my marriage, are trying to work their way out, and I’m trying anything I can to stuff them back down.

It’s not something I can do forever though. Now I have some stability that I have created for myself, along with a good set of friends and adopted relatives I know I have the support system to start to deal with this for myself without it taking over my life completely – and without putting the burden of my problems on to any one person – cos they’ve got more than enough burdens of their own. They can help, but none of them are responsible for me. I am responsible for myself, for my own feelings and reactions and I need to learn to deal with them positively.

The problem is now that I’m not entirely sure where to begin. I’ve had one lot of counselling on the NHS and while it was helpful for immediate marriage breakdown and new baby issues, I wasn’t in a place where I could even contemplate digging into the mess that is my family and childhood. I don’t think I’d get another one without lying about my ability to cope, and don’t think I can afford to pay for it myself, but perhaps I need to look again anyway. I guess I really need professional help. At the moment, other things I am doing include a lot of reading, and just pausing to examine what I am doing when my destructive behaviours strike. I’m going back to post on a certain discussion board that was so helpful to me during my breakup, and we’ll see how I go from there.

How’s that for a brain dump?!

If anyone wants to take my children away for a day so I can blitz the house and then collapse, I would be extremely grateful. I’ve asked for help but I need more. I need a real break, a proper break. I need to not have to drop my 2 hours at the gym in order to try to clean the house. I can’t do it all right now and I will NOT put this on my children. I can’t do that to them when I know how it feels to bear the brunt of your Mother’s problems. I need to get on top of the house, my paperwork and some relaxation time. I need it to be the Mummy I can be. If I don’t get the help I’ll soldier on – I have to – but it is really really hard.

I’m not going to talk about the how and why of the breakdown of my marriage. I wanted to fight for it, David didn’t. It is certainly the right thing for us to be apart now, and we are learning to parent together, but much of this last year has been hard. I had never really been on my own and I didn’t know I had the strength to do it, especially with 2 little ones, but I found it and I AM coping. I’m not alone, David is still there to help with a lot of it and I have some amazing friends, but now I am the one ultimately responsible for my kids.

I have come through so much, but now I am doing ok. Not perfect, not always good enough, but I am truly muddling through and I know what I have to work on, and that is what the next year is going to be about, and I have big plans for it!

But then of course I look at my sleeping children. At my beautiful son who keeps coming back for kisses, who apologises when he’s calmed down, who brings flowers for his friends. At my not-so-tiny daughter, those baby days slipping away so fast. Remembering the precious smiles, the giggles and the joy of snuggling up all together.

Rowan is an amazingly well adjusted little boy considering recent events, and has a whole host of people he loves and trusts but for Anya I am still her whole world. The little sleeping body beside me is reliant on me for it’s every need, and I do my best to fill them. She repays it with the love and trust I know she has for me. So even though I rail at life sometimes, while my children need me I will be there. They’ll grow up so quickly that it won’t be long before I’m wondering what to do with all the time to myself.

When I’m angry and tired and just plain fed up, I have to remember that it’s not about other people. My children need someone so I will be there for them. We will muddle through life together and I hope they remember that I was always there and that they were my first priority. I am lucky to have them and it is that thought I need to hold on to when things are hard. There will be be time for the rest when they don’t need me so much.

But if someone wants to come and clean my house so I can paint my nails and get a haircut, that would be ok too

I don’t want Anya to have to go to nursery until she is older if I can do anything to prevent it, and I don’t want Rowan to have to go for long periods, so I need to be able to work at home, either with them around me or while they are asleep in the evenings and in the long term, both with their Dad. The best solution I can find at the moment is child minding. I know it will be hard work and a lot of effort to get registered, but it ticks all the boxes.

However, a recent conversation with a friend has got me thinking. I still feel childminding is probably my best option, but I also think I need to explore other options and think about things I could do from home. I don’t think I’d like selling either by phone or doing those parties – and the whole driving thing is somewhat restrictive there too, but there must be other options. I thought about rubbish jobs I have done in the past and wondered if it’s possible to do things like audio typing from home. I’m sure the pay wouldn’t be great but it is a pretty easy job as I remember.

Anyone else have any ideas? I don’t think my programming is up to scratch these days but I could probably do technical writing – docs and specs and things – if required.

Help me please!!